When Pressure Becomes Manipulation: The Link Between Horse Training, Narcissism & Learned Helplessness
🧨 Introduction:
You were taught that “pressure and release” is the most natural way to communicate with horses.
And in theory, it makes sense. Pressure is applied; the horse responds; the pressure is released.
But what if the horse doesn’t understand?
Or worse—what if the pressure never truly ends?
Depending on how pressure is applied—its intensity, consistency, emotional tone, and the clarity of release—it can slip into something else:
Manipulation. Disempowerment. Emotional abuse.
And—most dangerously—learned helplessness.
This article explores how traditional training methods can mirror narcissistic relationship patterns, what learned helplessness looks like in both horses and humans, and how to reconnect through trauma-informed horsemanship rooted in empathy, consent, and connection.
🧠 What Is Learned Helplessness?
Coined by psychologist Martin Seligman in the late 1960s, learned helplessness is a mental and emotional state in which a being—animal or human—stops trying to escape an aversive situation, even when escape is possible, because previous attempts failed.
It’s not laziness.
It’s not stupidity.
It’s survival through surrender.
Seligman’s original studies were on dogs who were subjected to unavoidable electric shocks. Later, even when a way out was provided, many didn’t try—they had learned that effort was pointless.
In trauma healing, learned helplessness shows up as:
Numbness or dissociation
People staying in toxic relationships
Feeling like “nothing I do works”
Avoiding action out of fear of failure or pain
In horses, it looks like:
Flat expressions and eyes
Robotic obedience without spark
Resistance replaced by resignation
A quiet horse that’s too quiet
It’s not peace. It’s shutdown.
🐎 Stress Isn’t Always Bad—But Misused Stress Is
Let’s be clear: horses are designed to handle short bursts of stress.
Their bodies are built for flight, adrenaline, and recovery.
But stress becomes toxic when:
It’s chronic or unpredictable
There’s no option to flee or resist
The source of stress is emotionally confusing (i.e., you love and fear the same person)
This is where Gabor Maté’s work on trauma is essential. He explains that trauma is not what happens to us, but what happens inside us when we’re unable to process and express what’s happening.
When we apply escalating pressure to a horse who doesn’t understand—or punish subtle resistance as "disobedience"—we trigger this exact dynamic.
🧠 Narcissistic Dynamics in Training
In human relationships, narcissistic abuse includes tactics like:
Gaslighting (“You’re overreacting.” “This isn’t scary.”)
Love bombing and withdrawal (warm praise one moment, harsh correction the next)
Triangulation (comparing to other people/horses who did “better”)
Conditional affection (“I only love you when you perform.”)
Now notice what happens in training when:
The horse’s subtle signals (ears, breath, body) are ignored
They’re called “difficult” or “disrespectful” when they freeze
We compare them to our past horses
We withdraw praise or connection when they "fail"
It’s the same psychological pattern.
🪞 Learned Helplessness in the Arena
Your horse gives up—not because they understand, but because they stop trying.
And this mirrors what many trauma survivors experience in abusive relationships:
"If I speak up, I get punished."
"If I say no, love is taken away."
"If I resist, it only gets worse."
So they submit.
Not out of trust—out of survival.
In horses, this often gets misinterpreted as good training.
But a truly connected horse is:
Responsive, not reactive
Expressive, not explosive
Engaged, not robotic
If the light goes out in their eyes… that’s not partnership. That’s emotional shutdown.
🧭 Jung, The Shadow, and Your Role
Carl Jung described the shadow as the unconscious parts of ourselves we disown—our anger, our fear, our vulnerability.
When a horse pushes back, resists, or “disobeys,” it often triggers our shadow:
Our need to feel in control
Our fear of being out of control
Our fear of being judged or rejected
Many equestrians were taught to hide their emotions to be “strong.”
So when a horse reflects back fear, sensitivity, or frustration—it feels too close to home.
But that discomfort is an invitation.
Your horse is not just misbehaving.
They’re mirroring the parts of you that were never allowed to speak.
🔄 Shift From Control to Consent
Consent in horsemanship means:
Asking, not demanding
Pausing, not pushing
Listening, not overriding
It doesn’t mean you can’t challenge your horse.
It means you do it with awareness and choice—not dominance masked as discipline.
If your training is built on obedience without understanding,
you may get results… but at the cost of connection.
Final Thoughts
Pressure isn’t the problem.
But how your horse feels that pressure—that’s what matters.
Because the line between guidance and manipulation is thin.
And once crossed, it leads not to partnership, but to learned helplessness.
You thought you were building trust.
But you may have been silencing your horse’s voice.
It’s not too late to listen.
🐴 Want to explore what your horse is trying to show you?
🎓 And if you’re ready to transform your horsemanship from the inside out:
Join the webinar – Your Horse, Your Mirror
📆 August 23rd @ 8PM CET
👉 Save your spot now
